Falling Down the Upward Staircase

Falling down the upward staircase.
One step at a time, each moment of my life.
The harder I try, the faster it all slips away.Why do I try?
Why do I continue to fight?

Marvelously bright light at the top and vast darkness at the bottom.
And here I am, stuck in the middle.
Constantly fighting and falling.
Struggling to survive.

Damn you staircase!
If only you would stop moving, perhaps I might be able to catch my step!

How do you find balance in a world that won’t stop moving?
How do I make this downward spiral stop?

Maybe I should just let go.
Give into the darkness and all that it hides.
Let it consume me and end my pain.
Accept that resistance is futile and my future is lost.

But alas, I cannot give up.
I am bound by this staircase, this never ending nightmare.
This vicious cycle that is my life.
To proud to give up, yet too weak to break free.

And so I remain.
Trapped for eternity.
Falling down the upward staircase.

Damn it

Damn it
That’s what I say
Every time I look at my life
Every time I see my face
Damn it
Stuck is this self-imposed rut
Unwilling to move forward
Unwilling to make a change
Damn it
Dying to be free yet scared to let go
Suffering for no reason
Suffering from the truth
Damn it
Why must I make my life this way
Trapped within myself
Trapped in this never ending nightmare
Damn it
And all I can say is damn it
Damn who I am
Damn what I have become
Damn it
Damn it all
Damn it forever
Damn the monster I have created
And still all I can say is damn it
Damn everything
Damn…..me.

The Beast

I scream in the air, curse at the sky.
Angry filled fury, ready to die.

I fight and I kick, not holding back.
Down on my knees, ready to attack.

I strike at the ground, pound on my chest.
Fight to the death, I give it my best.

Violence unleashed, rage in my heart.
Control the beast, must play it smart.

Flesh is gashed, blood is spilled.
Instincts take over, do not get killed.

I ravage my enemy, take his last breath.
Life is my reward, his is death.

The crowd clears away, I return to my den.
Rest and recover, before it begins again.

Alone I Struggle

The day starts as light begins.
I look around, but find no one there.
Alone in a world that I have created.
Protected from reality and judgment.
This is my life, this is my sadness.

No one takes notice because no one cares.
Who am I and why am I here?
A question asked without a clear answer.
My life is a mess and I have no reason to live.

I cannot go on lost in this world.
Everyday utterly alone.
Drifting down the black river of despair.
My fate is cursed and destiny destroyed.

This is not the life I wanted.
Perhaps in acceptance I might find comfort.
Some form of peace, a chance to rest my soul.
Surrender my spirit to death.
To end my inner struggle for happiness once and for all.

The Canvas

An empty stare of sadness fills my heart.

I look through my eyes as though I have already passed.

Black and gray shadows cast upon a once vibrant canvas.

How did this happen?

What waste of life have I become?

A tortured soul left to rot in this shell of a man.

The world continues forward, yet I remain still.

Stuck in this darkness, this lost realm of despair.

Falling faster and faster into the unknown.

Oh how I miss the color.

That burning passion to thrive and experience all that is real.

Forever pleading with myself not to give up.

Searching for that one speck of light.

A single drop of hope.

But alas there is none.

I am but a dried-up paint set without a story.

A canvas that has been whitewashed and discarded.

Forever in black and gray shadows I shall remain.

Butterfly

I am consumed by the essence that is you.

My breath is taken and my heart is still.

Why do you not see your beauty?

You weep in sorrow, yet do not see that I share your pain.

Too consumed by tragedy to see a new possibility.

Open your eyes sweet butterfly.

Know that in sadness you are never alone.

Fight to find your inner light and all that is you.

Glow like the sun so that I might be embraced by your warmth.

Together now and for eternity.

Two incomplete souls united as one.

An endless romance that rivals the stars.

Shine bright my star.

May your breath be taken and your heart mended so that I might possess your love.

A child’s future

A snowflake falls on the outstretched tongue of a young child.

A bitter taste of a cold reality.

A mother’s concern for the future.

A world in chaos torn apart by war.

Ashes fall from the sky amidst the destruction.

What is this false winter?

How will we survive?

What hope is there for the future?

Fate is in charge of their unguided lives.

Only now is certain.

Tomorrow is already a memory.

What fate have we brought on ourselves?

A wheel left in motion will destroy us all.

Gone

A hardened shell of a once strong man.
A weak man now hides inside.
Hoping no one will stop to notice the changes within.
An ever weakening light.
Ready to diminish into oblivion.
Why do I hide?
Why do I give up?
Why do I not care?
One way or another it is time to let go.
Free myself from this eternal captivity.
Be free one last time.
To feel and care again.
One last time before I am consumed by the nothingness.
Before I take one last breath.
Before I am gone.

Have I told you

Have I told you I love you?

Have I told you I love your smile?

Have I told you I am complete with you by my side?

Have I told you each day is brighter with you in my life?

Have I told you it is only you that I desire?

Have I told you only you can cause me such pain?

Have I told you sometimes you make me feel worthless?

Have I told you it hurts me when you do not notice me?

Have I told you my life is falling apart because you no longer care?

Have I told you…goodbye!

Nothingness

I gaze into life with a blank stare of nothingness.
I do not see a future or a life worth living.
Numb to all my surroundings.
I push on yet I do not know the reason.

Each day I sleep, yet still I awake.
Drifting through each day looking for hope.
I continue my journey, for what I do not know.
Perhaps to prove in pain I am not alone.

Temptation to give up fills my heart.
To end the nothingness now and forever.
Lay down to sleep one last time.
Maybe to find a life worth living on the other side.

Broken

Marching alone in sadness,
Emptiness fills my heart.

Years go by,
Yet I do not move on.

A choice I make,
Loneliness is my reward.

The pain fades,
And the love is hidden.

Frozen in time,
Like a broken man.

This is what I deserve,
This is my fate.

Why Go On

Tears of sadness fall.
A once happy face loses its smile.
Emptiness replaces hope.
Yet I go on.

The luster of life fades away.
Dim is the light that is followed.
Survival replaces desire.
Yet I go on.

Numb is the feeling.
Memories of happiness fade.
Despair replaces acceptance.
Yet I go on.

Death is the expression.
Resistance to fate is pointless.
Darkness replaces everything.
Now I am gone.

Lines In the Sand

Shattered lives of an unlived fantasy.
I hear the breeze, but cannot feel the warmth.
Flowers bloom, but do not smile.
Lost at sea, I drift awhile.

Life goes by, yet I remain the same.
The beast within, I cannot tame.

A hidden world you cannot see.
One moment in time.
A lifetime to me.

I smell your hair, yet you’re not there.
Sweetness left empty.
I live in despair.

Memories and dreams.
What is real?
A life of fantasy not revealed.

Still I go on.
A broken man.
Peaceful journey?
Or just lines in the sand.

Despair

Lost in a sea of despair I drift.

No end in sight and nothing to hope for.

Sadness darkens my heart.

Numb to life and all that it holds.

Ready to sink, ready to give up.

The water is cold, and so is my heart.

Please take me now as I don’t want to be here.

The end is in sight, but not the one I want.

No turning back now, I made my choice.

Goodbye.

Lonely

Thinking of you.

Time passes by.

Lost in loneliness.

Waiting for tomorrow.

Pictures of you fill my thoughts.

I ache to be near you again.

When will you return?

I need you near.

The smell of your hair.

The touch of your skin.

Your smile.

And here I remain.

Dreaming of you.

Black Heart

Why won’t you say it?
Why do you not care?

Use me and abuse me.
Treat me unfair.

You take what you want.
But give nothing back.

Why would you want to?
No motivation for that.

Well it’s my time to take.
What’s rightfully mine.

I should have done this long ago.
But did not have the spine.

My heart is no longer yours.
I am taking it back.

I hope that I can find love again.
Before my heart turns permanently black.

My Own Private Hell

I dreamt of you last night, were you there?
You made me cry last night, do you care?

The pain you gave me, destroyed my day.
If I knew you cared, I would ask you to stay.

You lied to me, hid behind my back.
But when I found out, my life went off track.

How could you keep that from me, hide him right in front of my face.
You should not have done that to me, that’s not your place.

But it was my dream you say, it’s not for real.
It never happened, it’s no big deal.

Yet you kill me inside, dying to be free.
If given the chance, you would hurt me.

But I stay anyway, locked in this jail.
This place I created, my own private hell.

Lost Forever

Stress, anger, rage inside,
Help me fight the feelings I hide.

Sadness, depression, misery,
These are the things that consume me.

Loneliness, emptiness, sorrow, despair,
Should I go on I do not care.

Madness, confusion, spite, hate,
My life alone I contemplate.

Death, darkness, cold, gone,
Lost forever is my song.

Contemplation

Life falls apart, like leaves from a tree.

Time runs away, yet I stand still.

I look in the mirror, but do not recognize my own face.

Who is the man in the mirror?

What have I become?

I am but a boy trapped in an aging man’s body.

I hope for change, but know it will not come.

Fate is what you make it, so I’ve been told.

I know my fate, but hide it from others.

A warm smile, a soft laugh.

Both help me hide my fate behind a mask.

Will anyone stop to look behind the mask, or will fate run its course?

Depressed Brain

Depressed brain of an idle mind.

I weep in sadness with a confused heart.

I hope for joy, but expect none.

Emptiness haunts my spirit and soul.

Devastation is the world I’ve created.

The pain I carry is mine to bear.

Each day that passes, I die inside.

When tomorrow comes, I hope to be gone.